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ski_queen
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Location: California, United States
Birthday: 9/30/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: daydreaming about how my life should be, skiing, singing, reading, camping, cooking, hanging out, wishing i wasnt so scared to do what i want to do
Expertise: um.......... nothing
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  skiqueenal
Member Since:
12/28/2003
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| AHHH! this week has been so fucking long. why isnt it the weekend yet, i dont know if i can deal with another week day. that is all | | |
| havent posted in a while so i thought i would. sarah came down from santa cruz to visit this weekend that was fun.. besides that life is just continuing as usual. having my ups and downs as most people do and am going to class and doing homework and wasting time as most college kids do. | | |
| so this weekend was ok.... did hw, was bored, read... saw John today and we went to the tidepools to look for fish and octopi for his house's aquarium. that was fun. i'm happy when i'm around him so i enjoy seeing him, although i wish it could be more often.
besides that am busy writing papers and studying for midterms that (at least for me) have been spread out over 4 weeks... busy busy busy | | |
| hmm, am listening to Paula Cole, I forgot how much i really love her cd, its really good. i found lyrics that i think appropriately describe our relationship, just wondered if you agreed
'Throwing Stones'
"So call me a bitch in heat and I'll call you a liar,
And we'll throw stones until we're dead.
There you go again, you cut me off from talking
You bask in the glory, the center of the circle.
All our friends think you are a comedian --
so kind and generous, but I am suffering
Away from here, I want to be away from here,
Away from every little thing. I used to love
your every little thing.
Now you call me a bitch in heat and I'll call you a liar,
And we'll throw stones until we're dead."
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| i know you probably arent going to give a damn about my total breakdown in front of you yesterday.... i hate that i was weak in front of you but i feel like thats the only option thats been left. it kills me that you asked why i care about you, how can you not know? i love you, you know that, i'd die for you, youre one of my best friends/fake-brother. i hate that i dont know when i'll talk to you again and i cant be there to help you right now. you need help and have needed it for so long, and i tried to give you a hell of a lot of time to ask for it, but thats never going to happen, so thats why last night happened. i cant watch you destroy yourself anymore, i cant sit around crying for you everynight anymore, i cant do this. this doesnt mean i dont care, i'll never stop. i will never give up on you, i will never abandon you even though you think i do. i dont want to be here in SB when you need me, or i at least feel like you do. i dont trust people to help you there, i dont trust that you'll get better. i also wish i coudl just talk to you. i know its good you lost privileges like your phone and computer... you need some incentive to care about yourself even if you cant feel like you matter or w/e. i just hate that i know you wont call me, and you wont think of me, and you wont ask for my help. i dont know if i made things better or worse, and i dont know if i ever will know because you wont tell me. i hate living on the edge of a relationship where one mistake means the end, i feel like you've given up on me and yourself and i just dont understand. it hurts like hell that you dont care about anyone around you or yourself. this is so repetative but i just want to say it to you... i feel liek the only way i'm going to be able to talk to you is through this, and that wont be for a long time since you have no computer. i only hope some day/time you'll be able to hear me out here and not close the window, and not shut me out like you always do on the phone and in person. i just want to get through to you.... i want you to care. i want you to not do this ever again because it just keeps happening and going around in circles and i say i cant take it anymore, but i have to endure so you'll know i'm here. but i dont want you to feel too guilty either because then you'll just run further away and it'll be bad. i just dont know what to do, i hate feelign helpless and far away and alone | | |
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